San Diego,
CA –Tuesday, February 12th,
2008 - The cumbersome and costly Storage Server, otherwise known as The Box, is
dead. Investigators presume foul play,
and believe that this case can be linked
to a recent string of related incidents.
There have been reports of numerous slayings across the globe, with all victims being
members of the Storage 1.0 clan. Recent
fatalities include EMC, NetApp, and Isilon, among others. The police investigation into these deaths has led authorities to a unified
conclusion, and they have made public the name of their top suspect: Nirvanix.
Investigators claim
that Nirvanix is guilty of coercing customers
into committing these violent acts. An internal
source recently captured this footage of one of the most notorious Nirvanix
customers, Michael Witz, founder and CEO of Free Drive, brutally demolishing
The Box. That same source also provided
video evidence containing Nirvanix CEO, Patrick Harr,
and his accomplice, Michael Witz, destroying The Box in front of an audience at a recent
speaking engagement, DEMO 08.
According to industry insiders, there has been surprisingly
little tumult in reaction to these passings. Instead, a subdued celebration has
been taking place, a muted rejoice in reaction to the near-extinction of the
Storage 1.0 clan. One source, who chose not to be identified, stated, “We feel
liberated now that the Storage 1.0 clan has experienced their downfall. All of us in the storage circle, both
beginning developers, like myself, and some of the more established online
business owners, are embracing the Storage 2.0 revolution. Once we kill The Box, we can save the time
and money we were spending to build and manage data centers and just plug our
applications into the Nirvanix SDN.”
While most are rallying behind Nirvanix, as their Storage
Cloud model overthrows The Box, there still remains some hesitance in the air. Some can not accept the inevitable demise of
The Box, and are exhibiting signs of denial.
Nirvanix advocates are guiding these individuals through the coping process
and helping them Experience Nirvanix.
One advocate explained that once application developers and
business owners free themselves of their infatuation with The Box they will then begin to Experience
Nirvanix. He described the state of
Nirvanix as “an enlightened state of being which produces peace of mind, a mind
that has come to a point of perfect lucidity and clarity due to the absence of
archaic storage models. An individual
who enters the state of Nirvanix will reach their highest level of storage
optimization, the natural result that accrues to one who integrates their
application virtually and conducts their business with an intelligent Storage
Delivery Network (SDN). Such a service dissolves the unpredictable storage
needs of user-generated content (UGC) applications that otherwise keep beings
forever wandering through the impermanent and suffering-generating realms of
unscalable storage, unreliable delivery of content, and time consuming
management.”
Nirvanix has gone so far as to make a public statement and
invited all members of the storage circle to witness scheduled destructions of
The Box. All future fatalities are
listed on their News & Events page.
*Rachel Brown*